The Grief of Change

Sometimes we move through a period of dramatic shifts and transitions in our lives, and at other times, things can feel more static. As most of you know, for me, the last year has been one of many changes; leaving my old special life to start a new one in a new state in addition to sending my first child off to college. These were conscious, planned, and exciting changes we had hoped for; however, they had come with periodic waves of sadness that I was struggling to process. What I have been experiencing is called the GRIEF of CHANGE. 

Grief is an interesting word because it is most often associated with death. But in reality, grief is a much more widespread emotion. We experience grief when a change happens. Even if it’s a good change or a chosen change, the nature of the fact that something is different means there is a loss of something. Therefore, if the change is loss and loss requires grief…. it is pretty logical that change requires grief. Even changes that are bringing about something good (like your child going off to college and never calling because they are very happy and transitioning well :)) have some element of loss intertwined with them. 

It took more time in my mindfulness practice than I would like to admit for me to understand that the emotions I have been experiencing at times over the last year have centered around this grief of change.

Not only do we experience sadness and loss when we touch the grief of change but there can also be feelings of guilt and judgment that even when things are going the way we would want or hope or the changes are the ones we choose that we are still feeling grief.

A very wise friend of mine often says “Many things can be true at the same time”. We can be extremely happy with where life is taking us and also sad that things have changed. I can be proud of my daughter for not needing me and sad that she doesn’t… all at the same time.

The nature of change itself can be hard for us to manage because, as humans, we tend to fear change. The first step in minimizing suffering around any emotion, including the grief of change, is to be able to notice our relationship with it. From there, we can soften our hold a bit and meet the feelings with a little more compassion and tenderness.  The passage below that I shared with students this past week, talks about this in a beautiful way. 

We Tend To Cling, Mark Nepo

I envy the tree,

how it reaches

But never holds.

Things that matter come and go, but being touched and feeling life move on, we tend to cling and hold on, not wanting anything to change. Of course, this fails and things do change. Often, we are stubborn enough to go after what we think is leaving, trying to manipulate and control the flow of life. Of course, this fails too. 

We can’t stop life from flowing. So we are left with feeling what was and what is, and we call the difference loss. But all the clinging and holding on only makes it worse. Now, new things come, and some of us anticipate the loss and just let the things of life go by without feeling them at all. 

I have done all these things, but when clear enough and open enough, I try to let things in, to let things touch me. I try not to poke and pull at them as they move through. It doesn’t eliminate loss, but when trusting enough to let this happen, I am tuned like a harp held up to wind.